The Age Thing

Well - saw the new Harry Potter movie this afternoon and enjoyed it. Saw it with a group I belong to (Lambda SciFi) and after we went to dinner. There was a person that came that I had not met before - and during dinner there we were talking about various things and when things like Metro lines were completed. Anyhow - I was saying how I rode the Red line a lot in the early-mid 80s and most of the Green line and others hadnapos;t been completed yet. This person mentioned that he was born in the early 80apos;s.

Now - I jokingly say that Iapos;m 15 ... Again ... Having refused to hit 30 and decided I was going to revert in age. But - the truth is Iapos;m now 43. I didnapos;t think when I was younger that age would bother me as much as it does. I guess Iapos;ve been affected by my motherapos;s age-phobia (for lack of a better term) more than I thought.

My mother was 28 from the time I was 6 (when she actually was 28) until the day that I turned 20, when she turned 29. Me being the oldest of her 4 kids, that of course means that she really couldnapos;t be 29. At the time she was working at Montgomery College and had students that she worked with. When asked how could she have kids that were their age and only be 29 - she replied with a straight face "Theyapos;re the kids from my husbandapos;s first wife." The students didnapos;t pursue it any further, even though my mother had salt pepper hair. Of course, she started the salt and pepper when she was about 30.

BTW - my father only ever had one wife.

So - back to apos;The Age Thingapos;. Why is it that I donapos;t want to admit my age? How come it bothers me so much that Iapos;ve gotten to be this age?

Could be that I never really expected to live this long. From the time I was about 10 - I always had the feeling that I would be gone by the time I was 22. Strange thing is - when I was 22 is when my mother passed away (at the ripe young age of 44) of breast cancer.

Maybe thatapos;s a reason - my family in general has not had a history of very long lives. Many have passed in their 40s or 50s. As I approach the age my mother passed it seems that I am more affected by my age. Yet I see others, some of them my siblings, that revel in their age.

Could part of it be that I am gay and gay culture tends to stress the beauty of youth?

It could be part of the fact that I have been dealing with diabetes now for 12 years and taking many different pills to help control it. Feeling like an older person with the medications I take - and even talking to friends about the medications weapos;re on for various ailments.

I think that part of it even is that I donapos;t really fell like I think a 43 yo should feel. I donapos;t feel any different that I did when I was 20, except for the fact that I have a mortgage and other responsibilities.

Part of it could be that I look at my godsons - the oldest of which is soon to be 23 - and I wonder how I could be the same age as the parents of a 23 yo. I also look at my nieces and nephews - the eldest neice will be 15 next month and wonder that she is nearly old enough to drive.

I donapos;t know the answer to apos;The Age Thingapos; why some of us seem to fear getting older and some of us seem to take it in stride, or even revel in getting older. If anyone has an answer - let me know. Maybe it will help me accept getting older better, as another day as gone past...
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